IN THIS ISSUE:

1. Notes from the Coach - Beware of ‘Normal’!
2. Depression Antidote No. 7
- Take an Action from your Personal Top Ten Depression Antidotes List
3. Alternative Approach - Cognitive Therapy – A Reader’s personal Experience
4. Resources
5. Just for Fun - Classified Ad. Typos from the USA

1. Notes from the Coach

Last week I was dazed and confused. This week I’m just dazed and, surprisingly, faintly amused.
Only last night I was saying how good it felt to have things back to ‘normal’. Sam would be at Nursery two mornings this week, all my visitors had gone and everyone was fit and well again. I would have time to do some work and get on with things. Wrong!!!

I’d already planned this newsletter - and it didn’t start like this! I’d written the "Notes", in my head, before I was out of bed. Then everything changed on the way to the nursery.

My car suddenly stopped, in the middle of the road, in the middle of the rush hour. I asked a couple of people for help to push it to the side of the road. Then the steering locked so I had to leave it at a crazy angle to the curb, bum sticking out. Despite my hazard warning lights my fellow drivers beeped their horns at me as though I'd chosen to park that way. Still it gave me an excuse to vent my frustration in no uncertain terms and with some particularly choice language - not printable I’m afraid!

So there I am, standing in the pouring rain with my toddler, without a pushchair, wondering what to do next.
Then I spy a phone box, over the road, and call the RAC (rescue service).

To cut a long story short - a friend collected Sam and took him on to school. The RAC arrived within half an hour and towed the car around the corner and brought me home. A tow company took the car to the garage and it probably looks like it’s going to be a write-off.

What’s really amazing is that I feel OK. ‘Normally’ I would be wondering "why me?" and feeling very sorry for myself. So maybe ‘normal’ is not so great after all.

What‘s different this time is that when the victim mentality began to creep up on me, I tried to focus on what was good about the situation. Wasn’t it lucky that I was so close to the curb? Wasn’t it lucky that a friend could pick up Sam and take him on to school? Wasn’t it lucky it was daylight and there were plenty of people around? Wasn’t it lucky this didn’t happen when I was taking my mum to the airport last week? Wasn’t it lucky that I’m not dependent on the car anyway? And on and on.

When things like this have happened in the past I have always been impressed with my partner’s attitude. I ask, miserably, "why aren’t you upset" and he replies "because this is life. These things happen". Such events are a ‘normal’ part of life to him. Something to be accepted not fought against.

So from now on I’m giving up waiting for ‘normal’. It’s already here. I just need to change my definition.

2. Depression Antidote No. 7

Bit of a cheat this one, since you need to compile your list first! Make a list of your favourite things to do when you’re feeling low. Make sure they’re things that aren’t dependent on other people and that can be put into action quickly and easily. Be specific. Keep your list somewhere handy and take an action from it as soon as you feel a bit low. Here’s my Top Ten in case you’re stuck for ideas . . .

1. Go out for a cappuccino in my favourite book shop café and browse through the books and magazines.
2. Have a long, luxurious bath with aromatherapy bath oil, candles and relaxing music.
3. Watch ‘The Full Monty’ video.
4. Buy myself a gorgeous bunch of flowers.
5. Put my feet up with a Bill Bryson book.
6. Play Bruce Springsteens’s ‘The River’ or Bryan Adam’s ‘So Far So Good’ and dance around.
7. Buy a gift for a friend and post it as a surprise.
8. Play around on the Internet.
9. Clean Something.
10. Buy myself a book.

3. Alternative Approach

Following my article about Cognitive Therapy in Depression Antidotes - Week of 14.12.98* (see below for instructions about how to get a copy), I received this response from a reader. Her experience and her courage are an inspiration to us all. Her comments about accepting our needs and finding ways to meet them are particularly important and it is a subject to which I will return in a future newsletter. You could start by applying Depression Antidote No. 7, above!

"I enjoyed your comments about cognitive therapy. (See Depression Antidotes - 14.12.98). This has played a huge role in my recovery.... and a lot of it was learned through an organization called, "Context", based in San Francisco. Context Associated derives its name from the idea that, depending on the context which we give to a situation, we will respond one way or another. And we have every power to change our context, leading to a change in thoughts, leading to a change in response.

The really huge learning for me at Context was to look at what I get out of my "negative behaviours and emotions", ie. those unhealthy behaviours or feelings that don't serve me in recovery or life (guilt, anger, self-denigration, blaming, procrastination, catastrophic thinking, endless grieving over past relationships, etc.). Basically, the idea is that, if we can identify the gains that we are getting from our negative/unhealthy behaviours, accept those gains indicate some essential needs in our lives, and devise healthier ways to get those needs met, then we can let go of the negative behaviour. I find that this works more effectively than affirmations, because it gets at the root of the negative behaviour and tears it out.

One of the tough things about this is that, the more gain you are getting from a negative behaviour, the harder it is going to be to identify, or ADMIT. Also, people tend to feel embarrassed when they suddenly realize what they are "getting" from a negative behaviour, and instead of just admitting it and moving forward, they tend to start putting themselves down again, which just perpetuates and reinforces the cycle. It is crucial, instead, to learn to admit our needs, face them, accept them, love them for what they are, and find ways to get them met in healthier ways.

In my own life I had to face the harsh reality that one of the reasons I relapsed over and over into depression was that many friends and relatives gave me more attention if I were depressed/sad/crying. They give me hardly any if I was "up" and happy. But the truth was that I needed attention (aka caring, nurture, loving kindness). When I saw this as a plain fact, and not something to be ashamed of, I also saw that I had the responsibility (ability to respond) to get attention in ways that didn't include endless crying, self-putdowns, long weepy conversations, or panicked phonecalls to friends at work. (Yeah, I would phone friends at work. They must have loved that.....aargh.....).

Anyway, I was willing to give up the attention I got in negative ways, and to start getting attention in healthy ways. I realized that I would attract a different sort of attention from a different sort of person if I stayed positive in my thoughts, and that was exciting to look forward to. I realized that I had the responsibility to develop a relationship with a Higher Being (which I call God) or angels or whatever works, so that, when I felt "needy", I could call upon the attention of that Higher Being FIRST, and not ask my friends to bear the burden so much. I realized that I also had to start giving myself the necessary attention, and learn techniques for coping with loneliness, emptiness, and panic.

Gradually, over time, I began to see my behaviour more and more clearly for what it was... and I have been able to give it up. I still backslide sometimes, but the change has been dramatic. I was able to find other healthy ways to get attention from myself or others, and I didn't have to slide into "depression" in order to get it. I actually attract different people to me now, people who are supportive in an entirely different fashion. For example, I have attracted coaches and ministers into my life as friends!..... Coaches and ministers who aren't going to put up with long weepy conversations without quickly putting the situation into a new "context"!

I've also recognized that, when I identify the gain I'm getting from a behaviour, I tend to go into "embarrassment", feeling humiliated" because I'm such an "idiot" for behaving that way (sound familiar?). However, by recognizing that even embarrassment, or humiliation, are just two negative feelings WHICH I AM CHOOSING, I can choose otherwise. Now I do my utmost to just be loving and accepting when I identify a thinking or behaviour pattern which needs to be changed.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that it is always negative or unhealthy to cry, grieve, feel sad, etc. Not at all! But to stay stuck, and not move forward, and not take responsibility for our reactions to situations, is unhealthy. To recognize that we have choice in our responses is to recognize our path of liberation. (Read Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning.")

Perhaps my story has made a light go on for someone else, and I would be interested in (and helped by) hearing other people's stories about their recognition of "gain" from unhealthy behaviours, and how they got a need met some other way. Thanks so much!! Blessings to all of you!"

* To read a copy of the article to which this response refers, click on the "back" button twice. It's in Depression Antidotes dated 14.12.98.

4. Resources

**Wherever You Go There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life** by Jon Kabat-Zinn

A book of Buddhist methods of stress reduction recommended by my coach. Kabat-Zinn blends stories, anecdotes, poems, images, and scientific observations with easily followed instructions in the art of "capturing" the present and living fully within each moment in order to achieve inner peace.

5. Just for Fun

Road sign North of Saint Helena, CA: Blind Drive on Right.
New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
Loan company office: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
Shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
Shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
Public school grounds: No trespassing without permission.
Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Have a wonder-filled week

Nancy

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